So here is the deal. My dearest girlfriend likes to brag about my blog. To her friends. And I don't like some of those friends. I would have never told them to read my blog (not this one, the other blog with my real name). Things between those friends and us have gone a bit bad recently. To the extent I can't any longer write on my blog. My Own Blog.

So that is why I have been writing all these tit-bits on this blog. I still need a place to vent and since I have been evicted from my own personal blog, I am 'crashing on' this place to vent. I feel kind of home less. Well I have been feeling like a homeless for about two years now in real life but now I am a homeless in virtual life as well . Yes, I resent it and no, I haven't had 'the fight' about this with my girlfriend yet. I can see it coming though. Soon.

Anyway, just wanted to put it there in case some one is wondering about the sudden increase in my posts on this blog. Please bear with me.

...my PhD as an experience in my LinkedIn profile? A lot of my friends have included PhD as a work experience (Research Assistant) but I am not entirely sure that it counts as an experience anywhere. Does any one know?

P.S.: For some reason I have become very obsessed with my LinkedIn profile recently. I am not even looking for a job. I just want my LinkedIn profile to look good. 

After a long time, I (well, we as in Girlfriend and I) went to watch theater. The magical, magnificent world of live performance. The only reason why I will, if ever, settle down in London. My only attraction of London. It wasn't a Westend production. It was a local theater but the performance of the artists were amazing. 

Life is looking up again. Hope it lasts this time.

P.S.: Yes, I was one of those annoying people who took out their mobile phone in middle of the performance and took a picture (no flash though, if it helps my case). 

People reminiscence about their happy childhood so often. They actually want to go back to that time period of their life. I, on the other hand, always thank my star that I am no longer there.

I wouldn't call my childhood particularly bad. I was not abused, I was not beaten and I did not starve. But I did have a peculiar family. Different from any one in the neighborhood. We weren't poor but we were the poorest in our neighborhood. We were the last one to buy everything. We were the last ones to buy a scooter (never bought a car), to buy a colour TV (never had a VCR), to have a telephone, we didn't go to the best schools etc. You get my drift. We were the bottom of that status ladder.

And then there was my family, My dad really didn't like to socialize much which meant we were never invited in any neighborhood socializing events (I watched/heard them having fun through the window/door of our apartment and hear them discussing it the next day). My brother never did academically well. He gave up studies after 12th std. which was a huge scandal in our academic-oriented small town and particularly in the university campus I grew  up  in. But it was more than social status and social isolation.

My brother ran away from home three different times. For months we didn't know where he was. He eventually did return home every time. He is about a decade older than me. When I was struggling to walk, he was riding a bike with confidence. He was the coolest person I knew when I was growing up. I would try to copy everything he did. Those disappearances were not easy for me to handle.

My mom attempted suicide at least four times in my memory. I remember one particular time when she swallowed pesticides and was rushed to the hospital. My dad and brother went along. I was about 11 years old, all by myself sitting in the house mandir for the whole day, not knowing what's going on. She survived each time. Thankfully.

My dad threatened to leave us and go away at least 5-10 times in my memory. I do not remember the reason why he did that but it scared me the worst. Thankfully, he never followed it through.

One of my recurring nightmare was that all my family is gone and I am left by myself. My biggest worry growing up was if that ever happens, how would I finish my school education? I couldn't have become independent unless I finish my school. I couldn't have gotten a decent job anywhere without proper school education.

As a teenager, I got introduced to competition magazines like GK Today and competition success review. I got my parents to subscribe and would finish all the published question papers beginning to end every month. I was very certain that if I pass my 12th grade, I will be able to pass the bank clerical exams in my first attempt (it used to surprise me to hear that people actually fail that exam. I used to score up to 90% in those exams). I was fairly certain that if I could finish my college degree, I can easily clear Bank Probationary Officer's exams. So I was very glad when I finally reached my 12th grade. All those years of uncertainty was finally gone.

I am now in the third decade of my life and I still sincerely do not wish to be that little girl again who just wanted to finish her school education. Somehow, anyhow.

So yes, I do envy you if you are one of those people who would love to go back to their childhood but I do not want to go back to mine. However, that childhood did shape up rest of my life. It made me a dedicated student. It made me fiercely independent. It made me a hard worker. It brought me where I am so I do not lament it.

P.S.: I struggled to decide about whether to put this on a public space like blog. This stuff belongs behind the closed doors of a psychiatric session. However, the beauty of pseudonym and less follower is that may be I can get away with this.  I hope.

Not sure if I am qualified to do this tag, or may be I am extra qualified to do this tag since I had to struggle to figure out my sexual orientation. You see, being gay mean that nothing major happens in my brain when I see naked men (minor stuff like admiring their well toned bodies and wishing I could spend that much time in gym). For the longest time I thought that there is something wrong with me.

I am a late bloomer. Mostly because I didn't know the alternative was even possible. So I did get close to guys. I liked them, I got along with them but I never felt that chemistry, that spark every one talks about. Well, not till I met my girlfriend (yes, we are back together but that's another post). I always thought that I am simply incapable of love.

Thinking back, had I been born in one of the western countries, I might have known my sexual orientation a bit earlier in life. My first ever crush was on my class VII Chemistry teacher, Ms. K, although I did not categorize it as a crush for a long time.

I have always been a good student and very responsive in class except for her class (my friends compare me to Hermione). I used to simply sit and stare at her in the class, not listening to a word she was saying. I spent the recess after her class (thankfully her class was just before recess) copying the notes from my friends.  She was beautiful, not hot but just beautiful. You know the lines from Snow white: Skin as white as snow, lips as red as blood and hairs as black as raven. It fitted her perfectly (okay, lips not as red as blood but still  quite close). She had the most beautiful big eyes ever (okay, I am still not over her. She was my first crush!).

Thankfully I changed school in class VII or I would have definitely failed in Chemistry class. I didn't classify it as a crush for a long time. Ms. K later moved on to the prestigious boys school of our town to teach Chemistry to XI and XII class. Whenever boys around me talked about their crush on Ms. K, I knew what they were talking about. I knew how physically impossible it was to concentrate in her class.

My biggest test came when my best friend in university fell for me. It was a perfect setup in so many ways. I could have married him and have lived happily with my best friend (isn't that's what most of us want?) except that I never felt that spark, that physical attraction towards him. Had I been a sexless robot as that auntyji suggested, I would have done that but that "something is missing" part ruined it completely. After a lot of hurt, pain and, of course, heart break, we do not even talk to each other anymore. He is married and have two kids now.

It took me thirty years and a lot of pain and struggle to reach here but I eventually figured it out (I blame Indian society, culture and, of course, homophobia for my lost years). Nothing major happens in my brain when I see naked men. Its because I am gay. My eye candies belong to a different gender. But I do have them. I mean the eye candies.

I had to share this.

(Source)

I am so glad I have this alter ego where I can share such stuff. A place where it is safe to talk about being gay and rejoicing and sharing things like this cute letter. 

I am out to my parents and two of my friends. My parents are okay with it (some day I will write another post on my coming out to my parents and all that drama). Out of the two friends, I lost one, the other was very supportive. Reaction of my friend (the one who had problems with this), made me very cautious about coming out to my friends. That and also my mom's request of not making this fact know among her social circle since it will literally mean her boycott from her circles (I a talking about a small town in India), I really can not put things like this on my Facebook profile, can I? 

Anyhoo, I am glad that I have a place to share things I can not talk about anywhere else. 

Well, that is the current state of everything around me including the weather, the work, my personal life, my moods and my health. Everything is a big blah. So I decided to blah away on the blog. Isn't that what blogs are for? Rambling. Well, at least that's what mine is for.

So what's going on, you ask? Well a lot. Which is good in a way that I don't have time to mope around and feel sorry for myself. But that also makes me wonder if I am running away from grief. But I digress.

So I have been very busy for past few weeks and it isn't intentional. The work has been crazy. Well, just not busy crazy but absolute-nonsense and office-politics crazy. Normally, I hate office politics but my current job description requires me to be a liaison between different technical groups. If you have ever work as a liaison, you might know what I am talking about. Every one in every group have their own agenda and its my job to make everything work smoothly. It is an absolute nightmare.  The worst thing is when one of those people doesn't want to compromise and becomes petty/sore loser (honestly, grow up!) if, for whatever reason, their agenda is not met. I have to watch everything I say, things I put on a slide and of course, while interacting with such people. And I am new at this (changed to this role six months ago and have been recently (=last 2-3 months) given all these responsibilities) so I almost always screw up. As I said work is blah.

And don't get me started with the weather. I mean, its March for crying out load. How can the temperatures be still in negatives? I guess the weather forgot that this is not Canada or Arctic. This is London. March means starting of spring. March means temperatures in positives. And definitely no snow.

To top it all, its flu season and, of course, I got it. But being busy at work and being a liaison and all that, I had to work through it. I worked from home mostly but I worked through my high, muscle-inflaming fever and soon-to-drop-dead weakness.

Well, I am not even going to personal relationship category. Although my ex did drop by when I was very sick and got me some medicine and food etc. so not that grouchy about it at the moment but then I don't want to go back to that either so that's another blah...

Can I please catch a break sometime that is soon? Hating everything around me. That reminds me, I have a new set of room-mates now and they all are another big blahs. I have had my full quota of blahs for the year. Can I please not get any more of that stuff for the rest of the year? Thank you.

I have lived by myself for past 11 years now. I used to think I have gotten used to loneliness. I came to this city looking for companionship and realized that I am a pretty good company for myself. And no, I am not talking about the phrase:

"Better alone than a bad company"

(it is pretty valid phrase and I am not arguing against it either). I am instead talking about isolation and loneliness associated with the company of others versus joy of being alone by yourself, free to do what-so-ever you want to do. And yes, I know and I understand the joy of having the right company where opinions are appreciated and counted. Companions to whom you could open up and share your self. I am not talking about those. I am talking about those dreaded companions who make you feel completely alone when they are around you. As if you don't matter. The worst thing about such companions is that you can't simply do what you would prefer to do. Instead you end up doing what they want to do even though you don't enjoy it.

At times, its not about how good or bad the thing that you are forced to do, like the movie you were made to watch might be even good but its about being bullied into doing something, not being given option and not valuing your opinion, that makes it completely unenjoyable.

The loneliness in such a company is extreme. Trust me, I know what I am talking about. I have spent days without talking to anyone to the extent my voice croaked when I finally spoke. Yet I never felt this lonely. There was a choice. I was free to do what-so-ever I chose to do. I didn't have to pretend when I was at home. I was me. I was happy.

Hopefully, I will be there again. Someday. Soon.

I am not sure how people do it. I mean write under a pseudonym. Every time I have started writing a post in past few weeks I felt I am making it easier to identify me. But then no one I know knows about existence of this blog. Hopefully. So I guess I do need to shed the fear and start writing. Okay, here goes nothing.

Let me start by telling you a bit about myself so that my latest "crisis"  makes sense. I have been a good student all my life. I grew up in a prestigious university campus in India where my dad was a professor. I have always done well in studies. I am a straight A student from Ivy league in US where I did my PhD. Naturally, my friend circle (which includes neighbours and friends) includes people from good universities. Almost all my friends have a PhD degree.

Why am I telling you this? Oh well, the other day it came up during conversation with my girl friend and her sister (they tend to gang up during most of our arguments. Being sister and all, they kind of agree on everything which becomes very frustrating for me but that's another post). The point of discussion being photography (one of my interests) and how I know better photographers than me. I was part of a photography group during my grad school in US. There are quite a few people in my friend/acquaintance circle who take amazing pictures (all of them are amateur photographers like me).

The response to that was "Yeah, but how many normal people do you know who can take better pictures?"

Normal people? Am I not normal? Is my friend circle not normal? Who is to say that I and my circle are abnormal? Who decides what is normal and what is not? To me, all my friends are normal. Okay, some them have few funny quirks. Some of them are quite insufferable as well but they are still very much normal. Thank you very much.

P.S.: Sorry about the rambling. Being new in the city, I still don't have friends here. I need to get a load off myself in order to function. 

It being me.
No, I don't want to talk about it.
I just want to be.
I will be okay in a bit.

Don't wait, don't prod.
It's okay to be sad
It is not that odd.
Don't you feel bad.

Yes, it is us I am thinking about
Yes, I am pondering
Yes, I do have a doubt
Yes, it is a bit unflattering.

Not everything works
It doesn't have to
We all have our quirks
Don't make much ado

It is not an adieu
No, not yet
I don't want to rue
So don't fret.

But, sadz haz it
It being me
Because I see it
A day that it will be.

I feel this way every morning:

Source: http://www.gocomics.com/calvinandhobbes/2013/01/07

Hate cold mornings.

Those are the words ringing in my mind after reading IHM's post and subsequently Sohaila's account. Self righteousness of rapist! It's outrageous, shocking, shameful and yet so true. Those are the words I have been searching for so long but couldn't put my finger on it.

According to these self righteous rapists, rape is justified if
- woman is wearing, which according to rapists, police and judges, inappropriate (who decides what is appropriate or inappropriate),
- woman is in company of a male friend,
- woman is out after sun down,
- woman is smoking or drinking.
-  or some other excuse that is in some way inappropriate behaviour for a woman, again, according to the rapists, police or judges.

Oh, I forgot the politicians.

And of course whenever this happens, Sita is given as an example. The great culture is put somewhere in the spotlight. And on this stage they make rapist look like a hero, a self righteous man who was doing the right thing by teaching women like these a lesson. In all their haste of protecting our great culture and hence the rapist, they forget few crucial points. Let me elaborate on them.

Why do we always focus so much on poor Sita. Let's give her a break and focus on, oh I don't know, Radha. We do have her statutes in our temples, don't we? She is also part of our great culture, isn't she? So why can't we, women of India, aspire to be like her? She had a boyfriend, didn't she? She had sex before marriage. She actually never married her boyfriend. She was never punished for either of those offences and yet you choose to punish us for just being with a man? Why is that it is allowed  for men in our society to behave like Krishan but expect women to behave like Sita? I think you are mixing your mythologies here, aren't you? (Just to be clear, Krishan never raped anyone but he did harassed quite a few women. Am not a big fan of him. In my opinion, he was a jerk)

Now let's talk about Indian culture. When you talk about protecting the great culture of ours, I am not sure which culture you are referring to. You see culture by definition is an ever-changing entity. I gather, from your great speeches about our great culture that you refer to a culture of some unspecified past but it is never made clear which era are you referring to when you say that we need to preserve our culture. Is it the Vedic period you are talking about? In that case, you should visit Khujraho some time and you would be shocked by the culture of that era. Or are you referring to the Mughal/British period? But aren't you the one who talk about ill effects of westernisation? You will be again surprised to know that both Mughals and British were westerners. If it is okay for us to adopt that western-influenced culture then why is it so evil to do so now?

My last point is directed towards the police, judges and the politicians of our country who take an oath to uphold the Constitution of India. Can you please tell me where in the Constitution of India is it written that woman is supposed to dress in a certain way? If its not in the Constitution, how can you judge woman based on that? Why is acceptable to bring it up during a legal proceeding? How can you make legal decisions based on something that is not even in the Constitution? Uphold the law and not your personal beliefs. If you can't follow the law, you should excuse yourself from the position.

Instead of making a long list of things I would like to do this year, I have decided to have only one new year resolution this year which is,

Do It Now. 

I think I will be able to do a lot of things that I want to do if I follow this one rule. So instead of making a to-do list for the year, I have one simple rule to follow. I will let you know by the end of the year how it worked out...

The twelve days of holidays, that is. Its over. Today was the first day of office. Grrrrr....

[source]

Okay, I admit it. I am, and have never been, a morning person but I especially hate Monday mornings (who doesn't? If you don't: I hate you too). Today was the king of Monday mornings, even though it wasn't Monday today. It was the morning after the Christmas break! Add to that one and a half hour of commute to work. Well let's just say that if you had bump into me today morning, you would have met the queen of all grumpies. Okay, may be that was a bit of exaggeration since, according to me, the real queen of all grumpies is Aunty Acid. Still, I could have been a princess or something. 

Anyway, I somehow reached the office and switched on the laptop. Had a panic attack for about 15 minutes in which I was desperately trying to remember my password. Why, oh why, do we need to change the passwords every 90 days. How many passwords can a person remember? Don't answer that. 

Once the laptop was booted, I sat blankly in front of it for another 15 minutes. I was trying to remember the purpose of my being there. Seriously, I had no recollection of any thing nor any idea what was I supposed to do next. So I started by opening the outlook hoping to waste away my morning in reading through my unread mails (evil genius plan!). Guess what, no one works during the Christmas break. There were three unread mails in my inbox. Two of them were automated mails. I took my time to read them.

I was once again staring at my screen with no idea what to do next. "Morning Tuhina". And my manager was standing behind me. Nice. Thankfully, he didn't ask me about my plans for the day. Guess he must be in the same pickle as me.

I started again. This time going through my task list and trying to figure out what I meant by those abbreviations and words that I so confidently once wrote. Basically, I was trying to relearn my job. A job I have been doing for past few years now. A job I am good at. A job that I love. And I had no clue what it is that I do, why I love it so and how the hell do I do it!

I somehow made it till lunch. After lunch, it was basically a game of watching the clock tick away the hours. Thus ended my first official day of 2013. Its official now: Break time is over. 

 ...to one and all! Hope you all are having a great time. I am currently in my annual hibernation mood which is likely to continue till the New Year. Hope to see you then...