Wednesday, 6 February 2013

Degree of loneliness

I have lived by myself for past 11 years now. I used to think I have gotten used to loneliness. I came to this city looking for companionship and realized that I am a pretty good company for myself. And no, I am not talking about the phrase:

"Better alone than a bad company"

(it is pretty valid phrase and I am not arguing against it either). I am instead talking about isolation and loneliness associated with the company of others versus joy of being alone by yourself, free to do what-so-ever you want to do. And yes, I know and I understand the joy of having the right company where opinions are appreciated and counted. Companions to whom you could open up and share your self. I am not talking about those. I am talking about those dreaded companions who make you feel completely alone when they are around you. As if you don't matter. The worst thing about such companions is that you can't simply do what you would prefer to do. Instead you end up doing what they want to do even though you don't enjoy it.

At times, its not about how good or bad the thing that you are forced to do, like the movie you were made to watch might be even good but its about being bullied into doing something, not being given option and not valuing your opinion, that makes it completely unenjoyable.

The loneliness in such a company is extreme. Trust me, I know what I am talking about. I have spent days without talking to anyone to the extent my voice croaked when I finally spoke. Yet I never felt this lonely. There was a choice. I was free to do what-so-ever I chose to do. I didn't have to pretend when I was at home. I was me. I was happy.

Hopefully, I will be there again. Someday. Soon.


Psych Babbler said...

That must really suck Tuhina. I have an idea what you mean and used to have someone like that back during my college days in India...big hugs and hope you find some better company...

Tuhina Mahan said...

Thanks PB! Means a lot to me. Just need to be heard at the moment, I guess. Not having a friend around sucks. :(

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