I finally found the you tube video for the BBC Documentary about daily sexual harassment in Indian street. A must watch, I must say:

So this news article has been making round here. Its about a girl kicking an elderly Asian man down to pavement and spitting on him. 

Somehow, I am not sure it was an unprovoked attack as they claim it to be. I am fairly sure by the conversation in the video that this was a case of street sexual harassment that's so prevalent in India, which Indian arriving to this country think they can continue here as well. Oh yes, you heard me right. They continue it here as well, especially in London. I have had the displeasure of meeting fe of them while travelling in tube and bus. 

So this girl, being brought up here, gave it back to him (in my version of events, which I am pretty sure is accurate). Quite vehemently, I must add. Instead of taking it like good little Indian girls are supposed to. Anyone who has been on the receiving end of those harassments/molestations would understand the powerful rage when you want to kick and punish these criminals since no one else seems to do anything about it or even believe you or tell you that you are making mountain out of a mole. 

Again all of this is my version of what I gathered from the video. Please do watch and see what you think:

So I met a few of my ex-colleague who, have now joined my current company. Okay, let me start again. A decade ago I used to work in India, I left my job to pursue my PhD in the States. And now by shear luck, or unluck (yes, I made up that word), they have joined my current firm in London. So I met with them today afternoon for Independence day tea. 

 

We talked about a lot of things including how our previous company ended up paying quite a high salary to its employee after I left which was locked for about 3 years. All of them stayed with company till end of that period and then left for greener pastures (namely, my present company). They are considerably richer than me now, having stayed in that firm for that long.

 

And yet, I can't help but feel thankful for leaving that company when I did. Honestly. I might not be as rich as them in financial sense but I think I have a richer life than what India and my previous firm could have offered me.

 

In this past decade, I have gotten a chance to discover myself, my life. I tried out a lot of new things without fear or apprehension I might have had in India.

 

For example, sports. I have taken swimming lessons, tennis lessons, martial art and badminton, along with quite a few classes in gym which I would have never tried in India.

 

For example, being part of various clubs and participating in club activities which included promoting the club, talking to complete strangers, arranging club trips and taking up various professional photography gigs.

 

I have lived and survived in four different countries which amounts to three different continents.

 


Most importantly, being out of India and that environment has given me a chance to explore myself, be comfortable with myself, discover the things that makes me happy and not what people say should make me happy.

 


I have a feeling of living my life to its fullest that I never had when I lived in India. As I said, I have a richer life now even though I am poorer than I could have been. And I love it.



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Once upon a time....I was in 9th grade. We had introductory economics as a subject to be taught that year. I was fairly excited about the prospects of learning a new subject. But as luck would have it, our economics teacher, who coincidentally was our class teacher as well, liked to be popular with her students. The way she achieved that was picking on the students and making "hilarious" comments about them. 

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May be it was a lack of sense of humour on my part, or may be the fact that I got picked on quite often in her class that I didn't like her. To be teased by the teacher and then got picked up by the rest if the class (some of them still mention those "jokes"), no matter how harmless that humour was for all of them, was not a big confidence booster for me. The consequence, apart from low self confidence, was my hatred of the subject economics and anything even remotely related to it.

But as luck would have it (mystery music playing, Dun Dun Dun...), 'the Girlfriend' is a B.Com. who, of course, loves economics. After much resistance, a bit of tantrums to go along with it, I eventually picked up the book on Investment Banking. The reason was to teach the girlfriend the mathematical concepts involved. However, given 'the Girlfriend' is changing job at the moment (didn't I tell you?) and will no longer require to learn about Investment Banking (IT is a funny field that way), I no longer have that excuse. And yet, every evening after I return from work, I have been picking up the books, searching the net (and finding more material to read) and reading through the concepts of Investment Banking. I have now even progressed and found some pdfs on 'valuations'.

 

I am not sure how, and if, I will ever use this knowledge in future (and trust me,  I have been trying to find excuses), but I can't seem to keep down the books. Its like a mystery novel that beckons me each evening and I resent any time I have to spend doing other things, including exercising, taking shower or cooking dinner.

 

I have been trying to convince myself that I will use this knowledge to invest in share market etc., but I know that  reading basic concepts of Investment Banking doesn't make you any smarter about such things. Its a classic concept of more you learn, more you know how little you know. And yet each evening, I am reading the basic concepts of Investment Banking and few other books are now on my wishlist on amazon.

 

Yeah, yeah, I know. No need to tell me that I am an incorrigible geek. However, it has been a long time since I have found a subject this interesting that I yearn to learn more.

 

Anyway, time for some more night time reading....




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...4Real or Cholera Plague or even Comma? Apparently people do. The worst one in the list is, I guess, Talula Does The Hula From Hawaii. No, seriously. What is wrong with these people?

Growing up in India, I did hear few weird names in India, like name of one of my mom's childhood friend is Chinta (meaning worries). She was the fourth daughter in the household. But that was, I guess, parents discriminating against the girl child. These parents, however, have named their children because they thought it to be amusing, I guess. Imagine the plight of the child called Cholera Plague or Comma. What were they thinking?

No, seriously. Can someone please explain to me how and why people can name their kids like that?

So the other day I was booking my tickets to India and for some reason, it ended up in being my credit card being blocked. May be buying tickets to India is a suspicious activity now or it may simply be the horrendous amount of money they charged me for the ticket. Either way, I had to call the fraud department of my credit card in order to get it unblocked. 

Of course, the call started with me giving them my credit card number and few security questions. One among them was about my age (haven't they yet made it illegal to ask age of a woman). I was completely baffled by that question and it has nothing to do with me wanting to hide my age. I have been completely lost when it comes to remembering my age ever since my late twenties. Seriously, I haven't been able to remember my age ever since I passed the age of 25. I usually round it up to my nearest multiple of 5. So for past 3 years I have been telling people that I am 35, which was exactly what I told this lady from fraud department.

Now it being the question of security and all that, she asked me again, "Are you sure that you are 35?" "Oh well," said I "I am somewhere around 35. Let me think. I was born in 78 so I will be turning 35 this December, I guess." There was silence on the other end for few moments and then the lady proceeded with my request. I guess the idea  that someone has been telling everyone that she is 35 when she isn't 35 yet was a bit too much for her. I am so glad she didn't know that I have been doing that for past 3 years. 

I think the reason it never bothers me is because, for some unknown reason, I look quite young for my age. People usually don't believe that I am past 30, let alone nearing middle ages. This, on contrary to what most people believe, is quite disadvantageous, especially at work. It is so hard to make a first impression of someone who knows what they are talking about (which is usually associated with experience and hence, age) on most people. They take a look at me and usually patronise (and antagonize) me.

The other day I was explaining this to a colleague, and friend,  and he suggested using anti-botox treatment. It was quite funny to him. A woman who is complaining that she doesn't look old enough. And please don't tell me that it is a good problem to have because it does affect my promotion and the salary I get.

Anyway, that's the rant of today for me. If you have been wondering where I have been for past few days, I have whole another set of rambling but I am trying very hard not to put it here. I don't think anyone will be interested in my petty office problems...

Its yet another career oriented post. Guess I am getting a teeny tiny bit frustrated at the moment.

Anyhoo, here is the deal. My manager, who is Europe educated, is not fond of ivy leagues. On top of it, he is not very politically correct person, which means he does not suppress his disliking. That also means I am at the receiving end.

Today morning (bad Monday morning), he imitated how an Ivy league person introduce him/her self in a meeting:

"I am from... (pause) XYZ university".

Then he turns around asked me if they teach us how to do that in the school. All this because someone in the management meeting last week was impressed that I have a degree from Ivy league (they were discussing our promotion etc in the meeting when he found out). That annoyed him.

I don't say I don't pause before speaking my university's name aloud. I usually avoid mentioning my university's name, if I can hep it. Usually people react in two ways. Either they are very impressed and fawn over (seriously. Am not joking), or they roll their eyes thinking I am yet another arrogant ivy league student. I hate both the reactions.

Yes, I went to Ivy league. But I do not ask anyone to judge me based on that fact alone. I did my undergrad from a very sub-standard university (we called it Chu-chu university). I do not ask anyone to judge me based on it either.

Why don't people get over their prejudice and judge people by their actions and not by the labels? Its so irritating.

The mobile phones these days.have amazing screens. Like my Samsung SIII. The pictures I take looks absolutely stunning. They look quite ordinary in the real life.

The only two pictures I liked from my recent Instagram experiments are here. Yes, sometimes I do like pictures I take.

I guess I like these one particularly due to the leading lines in the composition (yes, I did compose that way). Wish I can compose all my Instagram pictures so nicely..

 

I am putting away all my humility away for today. Today, I am going to talk about how good I am. In my field of work, that is. I am not saying this to boast or stroke my ego. It is a fact and I am just stating it. I have worked for four different companies so far and all of them have marked me as an exceptional employee. I am a hard worker, I am a team player, I am brilliant, I work well under stress, I communicate well, I help others out and I take initiatives. I am the best employee you can ask for.

Again, I am not trying to boast (okay, may be a little bit). Merely stating facts. As I said, every company I have worked for has identified me as exceptional and all my managers think I have great potential.

Great potential. I want to use my 'great' potential to reach as high as I can but can I? I work in a male dominant field. The board of all the major companies in my field consists of white males only. I am a female. I am an Indian female.

Most of the companies in my field are either based in or have major offices in US, South America, Africa, South-East Asia and Middle-East. I am a female. An Indian female. And I am a lesbian.

Should I dare to be ambitious?

About a year ago I was in a course. We had participants from Egypt, Oman, Azerbaijan, Africa and few Europeans. During the team exercises, guys from middle-eastern countries will not even talk to me. If I say something, they will answer to the nearest male next to me. This was just because I am a female. How will they react if they learn I am a lesbian?

How far will I be able to reach despite being good  at what I do (and love it) if I have to deal with cultural differences like these? Again, should I even dare to be ambitious?

Can I ever be open about my sexuality at my work? Should I be? My company, being a Europe based company, has non-discrimination policy but the glass ceiling still exist. There are no non-white or female high level managers in the company. Would I add an extra layer of ceiling to my progress by being out at work?

I love my job. I love my field. And I am good at it. Really good. But I am scared to dream big. I am scared of my growing ambitions. Partly because I do have some self doubt (I am not a narcissist)  and partly because I am not sure how far can I really reach. Am I dreaming too big? Should I consider my race, my gender and my sexual orientation along with my ability when I set up goals for myself?

* Image linked to its source.

So here is the deal. My dearest girlfriend likes to brag about my blog. To her friends. And I don't like some of those friends. I would have never told them to read my blog (not this one, the other blog with my real name). Things between those friends and us have gone a bit bad recently. To the extent I can't any longer write on my blog. My Own Blog.

So that is why I have been writing all these tit-bits on this blog. I still need a place to vent and since I have been evicted from my own personal blog, I am 'crashing on' this place to vent. I feel kind of home less. Well I have been feeling like a homeless for about two years now in real life but now I am a homeless in virtual life as well . Yes, I resent it and no, I haven't had 'the fight' about this with my girlfriend yet. I can see it coming though. Soon.

Anyway, just wanted to put it there in case some one is wondering about the sudden increase in my posts on this blog. Please bear with me.

...my PhD as an experience in my LinkedIn profile? A lot of my friends have included PhD as a work experience (Research Assistant) but I am not entirely sure that it counts as an experience anywhere. Does any one know?

P.S.: For some reason I have become very obsessed with my LinkedIn profile recently. I am not even looking for a job. I just want my LinkedIn profile to look good. 

After a long time, I (well, we as in Girlfriend and I) went to watch theater. The magical, magnificent world of live performance. The only reason why I will, if ever, settle down in London. My only attraction of London. It wasn't a Westend production. It was a local theater but the performance of the artists were amazing. 

Life is looking up again. Hope it lasts this time.

P.S.: Yes, I was one of those annoying people who took out their mobile phone in middle of the performance and took a picture (no flash though, if it helps my case). 

People reminiscence about their happy childhood so often. They actually want to go back to that time period of their life. I, on the other hand, always thank my star that I am no longer there.

I wouldn't call my childhood particularly bad. I was not abused, I was not beaten and I did not starve. But I did have a peculiar family. Different from any one in the neighborhood. We weren't poor but we were the poorest in our neighborhood. We were the last one to buy everything. We were the last ones to buy a scooter (never bought a car), to buy a colour TV (never had a VCR), to have a telephone, we didn't go to the best schools etc. You get my drift. We were the bottom of that status ladder.

And then there was my family, My dad really didn't like to socialize much which meant we were never invited in any neighborhood socializing events (I watched/heard them having fun through the window/door of our apartment and hear them discussing it the next day). My brother never did academically well. He gave up studies after 12th std. which was a huge scandal in our academic-oriented small town and particularly in the university campus I grew  up  in. But it was more than social status and social isolation.

My brother ran away from home three different times. For months we didn't know where he was. He eventually did return home every time. He is about a decade older than me. When I was struggling to walk, he was riding a bike with confidence. He was the coolest person I knew when I was growing up. I would try to copy everything he did. Those disappearances were not easy for me to handle.

My mom attempted suicide at least four times in my memory. I remember one particular time when she swallowed pesticides and was rushed to the hospital. My dad and brother went along. I was about 11 years old, all by myself sitting in the house mandir for the whole day, not knowing what's going on. She survived each time. Thankfully.

My dad threatened to leave us and go away at least 5-10 times in my memory. I do not remember the reason why he did that but it scared me the worst. Thankfully, he never followed it through.

One of my recurring nightmare was that all my family is gone and I am left by myself. My biggest worry growing up was if that ever happens, how would I finish my school education? I couldn't have become independent unless I finish my school. I couldn't have gotten a decent job anywhere without proper school education.

As a teenager, I got introduced to competition magazines like GK Today and competition success review. I got my parents to subscribe and would finish all the published question papers beginning to end every month. I was very certain that if I pass my 12th grade, I will be able to pass the bank clerical exams in my first attempt (it used to surprise me to hear that people actually fail that exam. I used to score up to 90% in those exams). I was fairly certain that if I could finish my college degree, I can easily clear Bank Probationary Officer's exams. So I was very glad when I finally reached my 12th grade. All those years of uncertainty was finally gone.

I am now in the third decade of my life and I still sincerely do not wish to be that little girl again who just wanted to finish her school education. Somehow, anyhow.

So yes, I do envy you if you are one of those people who would love to go back to their childhood but I do not want to go back to mine. However, that childhood did shape up rest of my life. It made me a dedicated student. It made me fiercely independent. It made me a hard worker. It brought me where I am so I do not lament it.

P.S.: I struggled to decide about whether to put this on a public space like blog. This stuff belongs behind the closed doors of a psychiatric session. However, the beauty of pseudonym and less follower is that may be I can get away with this.  I hope.

Not sure if I am qualified to do this tag, or may be I am extra qualified to do this tag since I had to struggle to figure out my sexual orientation. You see, being gay mean that nothing major happens in my brain when I see naked men (minor stuff like admiring their well toned bodies and wishing I could spend that much time in gym). For the longest time I thought that there is something wrong with me.

I am a late bloomer. Mostly because I didn't know the alternative was even possible. So I did get close to guys. I liked them, I got along with them but I never felt that chemistry, that spark every one talks about. Well, not till I met my girlfriend (yes, we are back together but that's another post). I always thought that I am simply incapable of love.

Thinking back, had I been born in one of the western countries, I might have known my sexual orientation a bit earlier in life. My first ever crush was on my class VII Chemistry teacher, Ms. K, although I did not categorize it as a crush for a long time.

I have always been a good student and very responsive in class except for her class (my friends compare me to Hermione). I used to simply sit and stare at her in the class, not listening to a word she was saying. I spent the recess after her class (thankfully her class was just before recess) copying the notes from my friends.  She was beautiful, not hot but just beautiful. You know the lines from Snow white: Skin as white as snow, lips as red as blood and hairs as black as raven. It fitted her perfectly (okay, lips not as red as blood but still  quite close). She had the most beautiful big eyes ever (okay, I am still not over her. She was my first crush!).

Thankfully I changed school in class VII or I would have definitely failed in Chemistry class. I didn't classify it as a crush for a long time. Ms. K later moved on to the prestigious boys school of our town to teach Chemistry to XI and XII class. Whenever boys around me talked about their crush on Ms. K, I knew what they were talking about. I knew how physically impossible it was to concentrate in her class.

My biggest test came when my best friend in university fell for me. It was a perfect setup in so many ways. I could have married him and have lived happily with my best friend (isn't that's what most of us want?) except that I never felt that spark, that physical attraction towards him. Had I been a sexless robot as that auntyji suggested, I would have done that but that "something is missing" part ruined it completely. After a lot of hurt, pain and, of course, heart break, we do not even talk to each other anymore. He is married and have two kids now.

It took me thirty years and a lot of pain and struggle to reach here but I eventually figured it out (I blame Indian society, culture and, of course, homophobia for my lost years). Nothing major happens in my brain when I see naked men. Its because I am gay. My eye candies belong to a different gender. But I do have them. I mean the eye candies.

I had to share this.

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I am so glad I have this alter ego where I can share such stuff. A place where it is safe to talk about being gay and rejoicing and sharing things like this cute letter. 

I am out to my parents and two of my friends. My parents are okay with it (some day I will write another post on my coming out to my parents and all that drama). Out of the two friends, I lost one, the other was very supportive. Reaction of my friend (the one who had problems with this), made me very cautious about coming out to my friends. That and also my mom's request of not making this fact know among her social circle since it will literally mean her boycott from her circles (I a talking about a small town in India), I really can not put things like this on my Facebook profile, can I? 

Anyhoo, I am glad that I have a place to share things I can not talk about anywhere else.