It's been a while since I logged in here. Unfortunately, I am flying to India tonight for a month so will not be updating the blog for another month. Just a few random things I would like to say before I disappear again.

- This blog completed a year this week. 35 posts, 46 comments, 7 followers in past one year. Thanks everyone who read and posted comments here. I am hoping to be a bit regular in my blogging in coming year but I ain't promising it.

- I can rant about this one forever but all I am going to say, I expected better from the Supreme court of India.

- As I said, I am going to India tonight. I will, for first time in my life, visit Agra to check off Taj Mahal from my list of places to see. I am frankly excited and have been wondering why I haven't done it so far.

- Lastly, just want to wish you Happy Holidays and a Happy New Year to all of you.

Until, next time...

So far, I have lived in four different countries, Canada being one of them. I found Canada to be the friendliest country and much easier to adapt. I got addicted to few Canadian TV series (yes, they do have them) and continued to follow them long after I left Canada.

'Out with Dad' is a Canadian web series (award winning, I must add) about a lesbian teenager and her daily struggles. She has a very supportive (and very sweet) dad who supports her. They are currently struggling to make the season three of the series.

I understand donation and charity is not a big thing in India so I make you a deal. Watch the first two seasons of the series and if, after that,  you aren't dying to know what happens next (if Vanessa and Rose will ever be together?), well don't watch the third season.

Either way give this series a chance. I bet you are gonna love it.

Out with Dad Season 1

Out with Dad Season 2

SPOILER ALERT

Okay, I admit it. I have been following the Percy Jackson/Heroes of Olympus series quite ardently. If you are unfamiliar with the series, it is young adult book series based on Greek and Roman mythologies. Having said that, I should assure you that the tween romances in these books aren't as insufferable as, for example, in the Twilight saga. Also, and this is important statement for the later part of the post, the sexual content has been kept to minimum (kissing, hugging and cuddling).

Anyway, so point of the post is the latest book in the Heroes of Olympus series, House of Hades, that came out this week and along with the book came out the Nico de Angelo, the son of Hades, as gay.

Okay, let me give some background to the story for the uninitiated:

Percy Jackson is son of Poseidon, the god of sea (remember Greek Mythologies?) and lives in Manhattan. Well, essentially, the series is based on the fact that Greek/Roman gods are alive and kicking in the modern world (well they are immortal) and move wherever the heart of Western civilization is, which is currently in USA (despite the shut down). They apparently have affairs with mortals and have kids who are demi-gods. The series revolves around the demigods and their fights with various monsters, Titans and now Giants.

So going back to Percy Jackson, who is one of the central character of the books, is son of Poseidon. Annabeth Chase, his girlfriend is daughter of Athena, the Wisdom godess. They got together towards the end of the Percy Jackson Series (I cheered for them at that point).

In comes Nico de Angelo, the son of Hades. Nico was introduced as a bubbly child with never ending questions, in the Percy Jackson series but he later morphed into a broody teenager, an oddball. He ran away from the camp (yes, they live in demigod camp) and found his own way. In the latest book, he confessed, to Cupid, no less, that he have a crush on Percy Jackson.

‘I had a crush on Percy,’ Nico spat. ‘That’s the truth. That’s the big secret.’ He glared at Cupid. ‘Happy now?’

After reading the book, I had to scour the internet for people's reaction (I knew there would be some hate going around), and to my surprise it hasn't been that bad so far (may be it will gain momentum later on).

The US amazon site had few people complaining about how there should be an adult theme warning on the book for the confession above. Seriously! They are okay with heterosexual kissing, hugging etc. but if someone as much as confesses as having a homosexual crush, it becomes an adult theme? But I was happy to see that about 175 out of 200 reviews were positive and most of them are rooting for Nico like me. Should I dare say that change might be in the air?

Finally, kudos to Rick Riordan for being bold (bolder than J.K. Rowling, I must add) to confront the issue and hope you will give a happy ending to Nico. Please don't let people with such view points win (one of the amazon reviewer):

The big problem is Riordan's decision to make Nico gay (or at least crush on Percy). Very inappropriate for a middle school book. Riordan blew it there. Doesn't he know his audience? It would have been ok if he had not made Jason think it was all ok. It's not ok. The lifestyle is anything but "gay." High rates of suicide and depression, mortal diseases, spiritual death. I know. I was in the arts, had a lot of friends, saw a lot of things up close. I guess in that sense, his choice of Nico is spot on.

Please give Nico a happy ending.

Warning: I am in a very foul mood.

So I am trying to move to one bedroom apartment from my shared accommodation due to worsening situation with flatmates. And we found one (Girlfriend is helping, of course). At £875 pcm, unfurnished apartment near the underground station. We showed interest to the agent. He took about 3-4 days to come back with an increased price of £925pcm. As I said, we liked it so we (rather I, Girlfriend didn't like the change in rent) went ahead.

I had to transfer £150 to reserve the apartment yesterday. However, before that I asked them about all the other costs associated with the rental agreement and the Agent told me this break down: £150 reservation fee that will go towards my first month rent (which is to be given in advance) and 6 weeks rent as deposit. I again asked him and this time very specifically about his company's charges in this transaction and he said that its £220, and I would be paying £150 out of it when I transfer the reservation fee (which means only £70 needs to be  paid after that)

After this conversation, I sent him an email summarizing this conversation and asking him to confirm this. He sent an email back saying that he will send me the complete breakdown of the invoice next morning and I should transfer the reservation fee. I replied saying that I would do that after I get the invoice.

So today morning, I waited and waited for the invoice to show up in my mail. But it never showed up. I mailed him and called him with no avail so I left messages. Finally, at 5 o'clock today evening he sends me the invoice. The break down of the invoice shows that I have to pay £304 after paying £150 as reservation fee. And of course, the agent completely changed his story since last evening's conversation.

Out of this £304, £200 is the charge for reference check per tenant. I asked the agent if I can have a second set of keys since I am planning to get my mom here for 1-2 months. He tells me that he would have to perform a reference check on my mom since she will be staying for so long (which means £200 charge more).

And that's when I completely lost it.

I do not loose my cool so easily but this Agent has managed to push me there. Does renting the house with this agency means I can't have guests? Would he like to perform a reference check on my entire family and friends who might visit me and may stay for more than a week. How about my partner? Suppose I am dating someone and in time would like to give him/her a set of keys? Does he want to do a credit check on any one I might date in next few months? Is that the condition of tenancy?

I have decided that I do not want to rent that house.

I understand that most of the real estate agents are quite similar and I have dealt with them in past. But none of them give the creeps like this guy does. Every word he speaks is a lie. He goes back on his word. And all this is before I have given any money.

I have already given notice to vacate for my current room and would need to move in a month's time. Hopefully, something else might turn up.

...is my favourite stand up comedian. And trust me, its not because she is gay or because she is considered to be a role model, an icon for gays and lesbian.

I simply love her style of comedy. Unlike most of the stand-up comedians around the globe, she does not use swear words, foul language or potty humour to make her stand-up act funny. She has a very clean act.

The difference between her comedy and most of the other bunch is same as the difference between 'Dil Chata Hai' type comedy versus Govinda type comedy. I can't stand the Govinda type comedy same way I can't stand most of the stand-up comedians. Ellen is an exception.

I found this gem while scouring through internet and thought of sharing it here. Hopefully you will enjoy it as much as I do...

 

I was just reading the story of a photojournalist rape in Mumbai and yet another outrage in India. It is  a horrible news article, however it did cheer me up a bit. The thing that cheered me up about this whole affair was the prompt actions of doctor and then police followed by public outrage.

There has not been any victim blaming. Yet. I understand there will be more than one person who will question the victims character and her presence in the isolated mill. But it hasn't happened yet.

The way NDTV has reported it, and I quote:

The Shakti Mills compound is isolated, but it is in the middle of Mumbai. It is close to the crowded Mahalakshmi station and has a busy road just 50 metres away. At 6.30 in the evening, there was still daylight. 

I like the tone of this report. Rest of them are not this supportive, however, they have managed to keep the victim blaming out of the picture. For now.

Is this the start of the change we have been hoping for? Fingers crossed...

I finally found the you tube video for the BBC Documentary about daily sexual harassment in Indian street. A must watch, I must say:

So this news article has been making round here. Its about a girl kicking an elderly Asian man down to pavement and spitting on him. 

Somehow, I am not sure it was an unprovoked attack as they claim it to be. I am fairly sure by the conversation in the video that this was a case of street sexual harassment that's so prevalent in India, which Indian arriving to this country think they can continue here as well. Oh yes, you heard me right. They continue it here as well, especially in London. I have had the displeasure of meeting fe of them while travelling in tube and bus. 

So this girl, being brought up here, gave it back to him (in my version of events, which I am pretty sure is accurate). Quite vehemently, I must add. Instead of taking it like good little Indian girls are supposed to. Anyone who has been on the receiving end of those harassments/molestations would understand the powerful rage when you want to kick and punish these criminals since no one else seems to do anything about it or even believe you or tell you that you are making mountain out of a mole. 

Again all of this is my version of what I gathered from the video. Please do watch and see what you think:

So I met a few of my ex-colleague who, have now joined my current company. Okay, let me start again. A decade ago I used to work in India, I left my job to pursue my PhD in the States. And now by shear luck, or unluck (yes, I made up that word), they have joined my current firm in London. So I met with them today afternoon for Independence day tea. 

 

We talked about a lot of things including how our previous company ended up paying quite a high salary to its employee after I left which was locked for about 3 years. All of them stayed with company till end of that period and then left for greener pastures (namely, my present company). They are considerably richer than me now, having stayed in that firm for that long.

 

And yet, I can't help but feel thankful for leaving that company when I did. Honestly. I might not be as rich as them in financial sense but I think I have a richer life than what India and my previous firm could have offered me.

 

In this past decade, I have gotten a chance to discover myself, my life. I tried out a lot of new things without fear or apprehension I might have had in India.

 

For example, sports. I have taken swimming lessons, tennis lessons, martial art and badminton, along with quite a few classes in gym which I would have never tried in India.

 

For example, being part of various clubs and participating in club activities which included promoting the club, talking to complete strangers, arranging club trips and taking up various professional photography gigs.

 

I have lived and survived in four different countries which amounts to three different continents.

 


Most importantly, being out of India and that environment has given me a chance to explore myself, be comfortable with myself, discover the things that makes me happy and not what people say should make me happy.

 


I have a feeling of living my life to its fullest that I never had when I lived in India. As I said, I have a richer life now even though I am poorer than I could have been. And I love it.



Image Source

Once upon a time....I was in 9th grade. We had introductory economics as a subject to be taught that year. I was fairly excited about the prospects of learning a new subject. But as luck would have it, our economics teacher, who coincidentally was our class teacher as well, liked to be popular with her students. The way she achieved that was picking on the students and making "hilarious" comments about them. 

Source Link



May be it was a lack of sense of humour on my part, or may be the fact that I got picked on quite often in her class that I didn't like her. To be teased by the teacher and then got picked up by the rest if the class (some of them still mention those "jokes"), no matter how harmless that humour was for all of them, was not a big confidence booster for me. The consequence, apart from low self confidence, was my hatred of the subject economics and anything even remotely related to it.

But as luck would have it (mystery music playing, Dun Dun Dun...), 'the Girlfriend' is a B.Com. who, of course, loves economics. After much resistance, a bit of tantrums to go along with it, I eventually picked up the book on Investment Banking. The reason was to teach the girlfriend the mathematical concepts involved. However, given 'the Girlfriend' is changing job at the moment (didn't I tell you?) and will no longer require to learn about Investment Banking (IT is a funny field that way), I no longer have that excuse. And yet, every evening after I return from work, I have been picking up the books, searching the net (and finding more material to read) and reading through the concepts of Investment Banking. I have now even progressed and found some pdfs on 'valuations'.

 

I am not sure how, and if, I will ever use this knowledge in future (and trust me,  I have been trying to find excuses), but I can't seem to keep down the books. Its like a mystery novel that beckons me each evening and I resent any time I have to spend doing other things, including exercising, taking shower or cooking dinner.

 

I have been trying to convince myself that I will use this knowledge to invest in share market etc., but I know that  reading basic concepts of Investment Banking doesn't make you any smarter about such things. Its a classic concept of more you learn, more you know how little you know. And yet each evening, I am reading the basic concepts of Investment Banking and few other books are now on my wishlist on amazon.

 

Yeah, yeah, I know. No need to tell me that I am an incorrigible geek. However, it has been a long time since I have found a subject this interesting that I yearn to learn more.

 

Anyway, time for some more night time reading....




Link to source

...4Real or Cholera Plague or even Comma? Apparently people do. The worst one in the list is, I guess, Talula Does The Hula From Hawaii. No, seriously. What is wrong with these people?

Growing up in India, I did hear few weird names in India, like name of one of my mom's childhood friend is Chinta (meaning worries). She was the fourth daughter in the household. But that was, I guess, parents discriminating against the girl child. These parents, however, have named their children because they thought it to be amusing, I guess. Imagine the plight of the child called Cholera Plague or Comma. What were they thinking?

No, seriously. Can someone please explain to me how and why people can name their kids like that?

So the other day I was booking my tickets to India and for some reason, it ended up in being my credit card being blocked. May be buying tickets to India is a suspicious activity now or it may simply be the horrendous amount of money they charged me for the ticket. Either way, I had to call the fraud department of my credit card in order to get it unblocked. 

Of course, the call started with me giving them my credit card number and few security questions. One among them was about my age (haven't they yet made it illegal to ask age of a woman). I was completely baffled by that question and it has nothing to do with me wanting to hide my age. I have been completely lost when it comes to remembering my age ever since my late twenties. Seriously, I haven't been able to remember my age ever since I passed the age of 25. I usually round it up to my nearest multiple of 5. So for past 3 years I have been telling people that I am 35, which was exactly what I told this lady from fraud department.

Now it being the question of security and all that, she asked me again, "Are you sure that you are 35?" "Oh well," said I "I am somewhere around 35. Let me think. I was born in 78 so I will be turning 35 this December, I guess." There was silence on the other end for few moments and then the lady proceeded with my request. I guess the idea  that someone has been telling everyone that she is 35 when she isn't 35 yet was a bit too much for her. I am so glad she didn't know that I have been doing that for past 3 years. 

I think the reason it never bothers me is because, for some unknown reason, I look quite young for my age. People usually don't believe that I am past 30, let alone nearing middle ages. This, on contrary to what most people believe, is quite disadvantageous, especially at work. It is so hard to make a first impression of someone who knows what they are talking about (which is usually associated with experience and hence, age) on most people. They take a look at me and usually patronise (and antagonize) me.

The other day I was explaining this to a colleague, and friend,  and he suggested using anti-botox treatment. It was quite funny to him. A woman who is complaining that she doesn't look old enough. And please don't tell me that it is a good problem to have because it does affect my promotion and the salary I get.

Anyway, that's the rant of today for me. If you have been wondering where I have been for past few days, I have whole another set of rambling but I am trying very hard not to put it here. I don't think anyone will be interested in my petty office problems...

Its yet another career oriented post. Guess I am getting a teeny tiny bit frustrated at the moment.

Anyhoo, here is the deal. My manager, who is Europe educated, is not fond of ivy leagues. On top of it, he is not very politically correct person, which means he does not suppress his disliking. That also means I am at the receiving end.

Today morning (bad Monday morning), he imitated how an Ivy league person introduce him/her self in a meeting:

"I am from... (pause) XYZ university".

Then he turns around asked me if they teach us how to do that in the school. All this because someone in the management meeting last week was impressed that I have a degree from Ivy league (they were discussing our promotion etc in the meeting when he found out). That annoyed him.

I don't say I don't pause before speaking my university's name aloud. I usually avoid mentioning my university's name, if I can hep it. Usually people react in two ways. Either they are very impressed and fawn over (seriously. Am not joking), or they roll their eyes thinking I am yet another arrogant ivy league student. I hate both the reactions.

Yes, I went to Ivy league. But I do not ask anyone to judge me based on that fact alone. I did my undergrad from a very sub-standard university (we called it Chu-chu university). I do not ask anyone to judge me based on it either.

Why don't people get over their prejudice and judge people by their actions and not by the labels? Its so irritating.

The mobile phones these days.have amazing screens. Like my Samsung SIII. The pictures I take looks absolutely stunning. They look quite ordinary in the real life.

The only two pictures I liked from my recent Instagram experiments are here. Yes, sometimes I do like pictures I take.

I guess I like these one particularly due to the leading lines in the composition (yes, I did compose that way). Wish I can compose all my Instagram pictures so nicely..

 

I am putting away all my humility away for today. Today, I am going to talk about how good I am. In my field of work, that is. I am not saying this to boast or stroke my ego. It is a fact and I am just stating it. I have worked for four different companies so far and all of them have marked me as an exceptional employee. I am a hard worker, I am a team player, I am brilliant, I work well under stress, I communicate well, I help others out and I take initiatives. I am the best employee you can ask for.

Again, I am not trying to boast (okay, may be a little bit). Merely stating facts. As I said, every company I have worked for has identified me as exceptional and all my managers think I have great potential.

Great potential. I want to use my 'great' potential to reach as high as I can but can I? I work in a male dominant field. The board of all the major companies in my field consists of white males only. I am a female. I am an Indian female.

Most of the companies in my field are either based in or have major offices in US, South America, Africa, South-East Asia and Middle-East. I am a female. An Indian female. And I am a lesbian.

Should I dare to be ambitious?

About a year ago I was in a course. We had participants from Egypt, Oman, Azerbaijan, Africa and few Europeans. During the team exercises, guys from middle-eastern countries will not even talk to me. If I say something, they will answer to the nearest male next to me. This was just because I am a female. How will they react if they learn I am a lesbian?

How far will I be able to reach despite being good  at what I do (and love it) if I have to deal with cultural differences like these? Again, should I even dare to be ambitious?

Can I ever be open about my sexuality at my work? Should I be? My company, being a Europe based company, has non-discrimination policy but the glass ceiling still exist. There are no non-white or female high level managers in the company. Would I add an extra layer of ceiling to my progress by being out at work?

I love my job. I love my field. And I am good at it. Really good. But I am scared to dream big. I am scared of my growing ambitions. Partly because I do have some self doubt (I am not a narcissist)  and partly because I am not sure how far can I really reach. Am I dreaming too big? Should I consider my race, my gender and my sexual orientation along with my ability when I set up goals for myself?

* Image linked to its source.

So here is the deal. My dearest girlfriend likes to brag about my blog. To her friends. And I don't like some of those friends. I would have never told them to read my blog (not this one, the other blog with my real name). Things between those friends and us have gone a bit bad recently. To the extent I can't any longer write on my blog. My Own Blog.

So that is why I have been writing all these tit-bits on this blog. I still need a place to vent and since I have been evicted from my own personal blog, I am 'crashing on' this place to vent. I feel kind of home less. Well I have been feeling like a homeless for about two years now in real life but now I am a homeless in virtual life as well . Yes, I resent it and no, I haven't had 'the fight' about this with my girlfriend yet. I can see it coming though. Soon.

Anyway, just wanted to put it there in case some one is wondering about the sudden increase in my posts on this blog. Please bear with me.

...my PhD as an experience in my LinkedIn profile? A lot of my friends have included PhD as a work experience (Research Assistant) but I am not entirely sure that it counts as an experience anywhere. Does any one know?

P.S.: For some reason I have become very obsessed with my LinkedIn profile recently. I am not even looking for a job. I just want my LinkedIn profile to look good. 

After a long time, I (well, we as in Girlfriend and I) went to watch theater. The magical, magnificent world of live performance. The only reason why I will, if ever, settle down in London. My only attraction of London. It wasn't a Westend production. It was a local theater but the performance of the artists were amazing. 

Life is looking up again. Hope it lasts this time.

P.S.: Yes, I was one of those annoying people who took out their mobile phone in middle of the performance and took a picture (no flash though, if it helps my case). 

People reminiscence about their happy childhood so often. They actually want to go back to that time period of their life. I, on the other hand, always thank my star that I am no longer there.

I wouldn't call my childhood particularly bad. I was not abused, I was not beaten and I did not starve. But I did have a peculiar family. Different from any one in the neighborhood. We weren't poor but we were the poorest in our neighborhood. We were the last one to buy everything. We were the last ones to buy a scooter (never bought a car), to buy a colour TV (never had a VCR), to have a telephone, we didn't go to the best schools etc. You get my drift. We were the bottom of that status ladder.

And then there was my family, My dad really didn't like to socialize much which meant we were never invited in any neighborhood socializing events (I watched/heard them having fun through the window/door of our apartment and hear them discussing it the next day). My brother never did academically well. He gave up studies after 12th std. which was a huge scandal in our academic-oriented small town and particularly in the university campus I grew  up  in. But it was more than social status and social isolation.

My brother ran away from home three different times. For months we didn't know where he was. He eventually did return home every time. He is about a decade older than me. When I was struggling to walk, he was riding a bike with confidence. He was the coolest person I knew when I was growing up. I would try to copy everything he did. Those disappearances were not easy for me to handle.

My mom attempted suicide at least four times in my memory. I remember one particular time when she swallowed pesticides and was rushed to the hospital. My dad and brother went along. I was about 11 years old, all by myself sitting in the house mandir for the whole day, not knowing what's going on. She survived each time. Thankfully.

My dad threatened to leave us and go away at least 5-10 times in my memory. I do not remember the reason why he did that but it scared me the worst. Thankfully, he never followed it through.

One of my recurring nightmare was that all my family is gone and I am left by myself. My biggest worry growing up was if that ever happens, how would I finish my school education? I couldn't have become independent unless I finish my school. I couldn't have gotten a decent job anywhere without proper school education.

As a teenager, I got introduced to competition magazines like GK Today and competition success review. I got my parents to subscribe and would finish all the published question papers beginning to end every month. I was very certain that if I pass my 12th grade, I will be able to pass the bank clerical exams in my first attempt (it used to surprise me to hear that people actually fail that exam. I used to score up to 90% in those exams). I was fairly certain that if I could finish my college degree, I can easily clear Bank Probationary Officer's exams. So I was very glad when I finally reached my 12th grade. All those years of uncertainty was finally gone.

I am now in the third decade of my life and I still sincerely do not wish to be that little girl again who just wanted to finish her school education. Somehow, anyhow.

So yes, I do envy you if you are one of those people who would love to go back to their childhood but I do not want to go back to mine. However, that childhood did shape up rest of my life. It made me a dedicated student. It made me fiercely independent. It made me a hard worker. It brought me where I am so I do not lament it.

P.S.: I struggled to decide about whether to put this on a public space like blog. This stuff belongs behind the closed doors of a psychiatric session. However, the beauty of pseudonym and less follower is that may be I can get away with this.  I hope.

Not sure if I am qualified to do this tag, or may be I am extra qualified to do this tag since I had to struggle to figure out my sexual orientation. You see, being gay mean that nothing major happens in my brain when I see naked men (minor stuff like admiring their well toned bodies and wishing I could spend that much time in gym). For the longest time I thought that there is something wrong with me.

I am a late bloomer. Mostly because I didn't know the alternative was even possible. So I did get close to guys. I liked them, I got along with them but I never felt that chemistry, that spark every one talks about. Well, not till I met my girlfriend (yes, we are back together but that's another post). I always thought that I am simply incapable of love.

Thinking back, had I been born in one of the western countries, I might have known my sexual orientation a bit earlier in life. My first ever crush was on my class VII Chemistry teacher, Ms. K, although I did not categorize it as a crush for a long time.

I have always been a good student and very responsive in class except for her class (my friends compare me to Hermione). I used to simply sit and stare at her in the class, not listening to a word she was saying. I spent the recess after her class (thankfully her class was just before recess) copying the notes from my friends.  She was beautiful, not hot but just beautiful. You know the lines from Snow white: Skin as white as snow, lips as red as blood and hairs as black as raven. It fitted her perfectly (okay, lips not as red as blood but still  quite close). She had the most beautiful big eyes ever (okay, I am still not over her. She was my first crush!).

Thankfully I changed school in class VII or I would have definitely failed in Chemistry class. I didn't classify it as a crush for a long time. Ms. K later moved on to the prestigious boys school of our town to teach Chemistry to XI and XII class. Whenever boys around me talked about their crush on Ms. K, I knew what they were talking about. I knew how physically impossible it was to concentrate in her class.

My biggest test came when my best friend in university fell for me. It was a perfect setup in so many ways. I could have married him and have lived happily with my best friend (isn't that's what most of us want?) except that I never felt that spark, that physical attraction towards him. Had I been a sexless robot as that auntyji suggested, I would have done that but that "something is missing" part ruined it completely. After a lot of hurt, pain and, of course, heart break, we do not even talk to each other anymore. He is married and have two kids now.

It took me thirty years and a lot of pain and struggle to reach here but I eventually figured it out (I blame Indian society, culture and, of course, homophobia for my lost years). Nothing major happens in my brain when I see naked men. Its because I am gay. My eye candies belong to a different gender. But I do have them. I mean the eye candies.

I had to share this.

(Source)

I am so glad I have this alter ego where I can share such stuff. A place where it is safe to talk about being gay and rejoicing and sharing things like this cute letter. 

I am out to my parents and two of my friends. My parents are okay with it (some day I will write another post on my coming out to my parents and all that drama). Out of the two friends, I lost one, the other was very supportive. Reaction of my friend (the one who had problems with this), made me very cautious about coming out to my friends. That and also my mom's request of not making this fact know among her social circle since it will literally mean her boycott from her circles (I a talking about a small town in India), I really can not put things like this on my Facebook profile, can I? 

Anyhoo, I am glad that I have a place to share things I can not talk about anywhere else. 

Well, that is the current state of everything around me including the weather, the work, my personal life, my moods and my health. Everything is a big blah. So I decided to blah away on the blog. Isn't that what blogs are for? Rambling. Well, at least that's what mine is for.

So what's going on, you ask? Well a lot. Which is good in a way that I don't have time to mope around and feel sorry for myself. But that also makes me wonder if I am running away from grief. But I digress.

So I have been very busy for past few weeks and it isn't intentional. The work has been crazy. Well, just not busy crazy but absolute-nonsense and office-politics crazy. Normally, I hate office politics but my current job description requires me to be a liaison between different technical groups. If you have ever work as a liaison, you might know what I am talking about. Every one in every group have their own agenda and its my job to make everything work smoothly. It is an absolute nightmare.  The worst thing is when one of those people doesn't want to compromise and becomes petty/sore loser (honestly, grow up!) if, for whatever reason, their agenda is not met. I have to watch everything I say, things I put on a slide and of course, while interacting with such people. And I am new at this (changed to this role six months ago and have been recently (=last 2-3 months) given all these responsibilities) so I almost always screw up. As I said work is blah.

And don't get me started with the weather. I mean, its March for crying out load. How can the temperatures be still in negatives? I guess the weather forgot that this is not Canada or Arctic. This is London. March means starting of spring. March means temperatures in positives. And definitely no snow.

To top it all, its flu season and, of course, I got it. But being busy at work and being a liaison and all that, I had to work through it. I worked from home mostly but I worked through my high, muscle-inflaming fever and soon-to-drop-dead weakness.

Well, I am not even going to personal relationship category. Although my ex did drop by when I was very sick and got me some medicine and food etc. so not that grouchy about it at the moment but then I don't want to go back to that either so that's another blah...

Can I please catch a break sometime that is soon? Hating everything around me. That reminds me, I have a new set of room-mates now and they all are another big blahs. I have had my full quota of blahs for the year. Can I please not get any more of that stuff for the rest of the year? Thank you.

I have lived by myself for past 11 years now. I used to think I have gotten used to loneliness. I came to this city looking for companionship and realized that I am a pretty good company for myself. And no, I am not talking about the phrase:

"Better alone than a bad company"

(it is pretty valid phrase and I am not arguing against it either). I am instead talking about isolation and loneliness associated with the company of others versus joy of being alone by yourself, free to do what-so-ever you want to do. And yes, I know and I understand the joy of having the right company where opinions are appreciated and counted. Companions to whom you could open up and share your self. I am not talking about those. I am talking about those dreaded companions who make you feel completely alone when they are around you. As if you don't matter. The worst thing about such companions is that you can't simply do what you would prefer to do. Instead you end up doing what they want to do even though you don't enjoy it.

At times, its not about how good or bad the thing that you are forced to do, like the movie you were made to watch might be even good but its about being bullied into doing something, not being given option and not valuing your opinion, that makes it completely unenjoyable.

The loneliness in such a company is extreme. Trust me, I know what I am talking about. I have spent days without talking to anyone to the extent my voice croaked when I finally spoke. Yet I never felt this lonely. There was a choice. I was free to do what-so-ever I chose to do. I didn't have to pretend when I was at home. I was me. I was happy.

Hopefully, I will be there again. Someday. Soon.

I am not sure how people do it. I mean write under a pseudonym. Every time I have started writing a post in past few weeks I felt I am making it easier to identify me. But then no one I know knows about existence of this blog. Hopefully. So I guess I do need to shed the fear and start writing. Okay, here goes nothing.

Let me start by telling you a bit about myself so that my latest "crisis"  makes sense. I have been a good student all my life. I grew up in a prestigious university campus in India where my dad was a professor. I have always done well in studies. I am a straight A student from Ivy league in US where I did my PhD. Naturally, my friend circle (which includes neighbours and friends) includes people from good universities. Almost all my friends have a PhD degree.

Why am I telling you this? Oh well, the other day it came up during conversation with my girl friend and her sister (they tend to gang up during most of our arguments. Being sister and all, they kind of agree on everything which becomes very frustrating for me but that's another post). The point of discussion being photography (one of my interests) and how I know better photographers than me. I was part of a photography group during my grad school in US. There are quite a few people in my friend/acquaintance circle who take amazing pictures (all of them are amateur photographers like me).

The response to that was "Yeah, but how many normal people do you know who can take better pictures?"

Normal people? Am I not normal? Is my friend circle not normal? Who is to say that I and my circle are abnormal? Who decides what is normal and what is not? To me, all my friends are normal. Okay, some them have few funny quirks. Some of them are quite insufferable as well but they are still very much normal. Thank you very much.

P.S.: Sorry about the rambling. Being new in the city, I still don't have friends here. I need to get a load off myself in order to function. 

It being me.
No, I don't want to talk about it.
I just want to be.
I will be okay in a bit.

Don't wait, don't prod.
It's okay to be sad
It is not that odd.
Don't you feel bad.

Yes, it is us I am thinking about
Yes, I am pondering
Yes, I do have a doubt
Yes, it is a bit unflattering.

Not everything works
It doesn't have to
We all have our quirks
Don't make much ado

It is not an adieu
No, not yet
I don't want to rue
So don't fret.

But, sadz haz it
It being me
Because I see it
A day that it will be.

I feel this way every morning:

Source: http://www.gocomics.com/calvinandhobbes/2013/01/07

Hate cold mornings.

Those are the words ringing in my mind after reading IHM's post and subsequently Sohaila's account. Self righteousness of rapist! It's outrageous, shocking, shameful and yet so true. Those are the words I have been searching for so long but couldn't put my finger on it.

According to these self righteous rapists, rape is justified if
- woman is wearing, which according to rapists, police and judges, inappropriate (who decides what is appropriate or inappropriate),
- woman is in company of a male friend,
- woman is out after sun down,
- woman is smoking or drinking.
-  or some other excuse that is in some way inappropriate behaviour for a woman, again, according to the rapists, police or judges.

Oh, I forgot the politicians.

And of course whenever this happens, Sita is given as an example. The great culture is put somewhere in the spotlight. And on this stage they make rapist look like a hero, a self righteous man who was doing the right thing by teaching women like these a lesson. In all their haste of protecting our great culture and hence the rapist, they forget few crucial points. Let me elaborate on them.

Why do we always focus so much on poor Sita. Let's give her a break and focus on, oh I don't know, Radha. We do have her statutes in our temples, don't we? She is also part of our great culture, isn't she? So why can't we, women of India, aspire to be like her? She had a boyfriend, didn't she? She had sex before marriage. She actually never married her boyfriend. She was never punished for either of those offences and yet you choose to punish us for just being with a man? Why is that it is allowed  for men in our society to behave like Krishan but expect women to behave like Sita? I think you are mixing your mythologies here, aren't you? (Just to be clear, Krishan never raped anyone but he did harassed quite a few women. Am not a big fan of him. In my opinion, he was a jerk)

Now let's talk about Indian culture. When you talk about protecting the great culture of ours, I am not sure which culture you are referring to. You see culture by definition is an ever-changing entity. I gather, from your great speeches about our great culture that you refer to a culture of some unspecified past but it is never made clear which era are you referring to when you say that we need to preserve our culture. Is it the Vedic period you are talking about? In that case, you should visit Khujraho some time and you would be shocked by the culture of that era. Or are you referring to the Mughal/British period? But aren't you the one who talk about ill effects of westernisation? You will be again surprised to know that both Mughals and British were westerners. If it is okay for us to adopt that western-influenced culture then why is it so evil to do so now?

My last point is directed towards the police, judges and the politicians of our country who take an oath to uphold the Constitution of India. Can you please tell me where in the Constitution of India is it written that woman is supposed to dress in a certain way? If its not in the Constitution, how can you judge woman based on that? Why is acceptable to bring it up during a legal proceeding? How can you make legal decisions based on something that is not even in the Constitution? Uphold the law and not your personal beliefs. If you can't follow the law, you should excuse yourself from the position.

Instead of making a long list of things I would like to do this year, I have decided to have only one new year resolution this year which is,

Do It Now. 

I think I will be able to do a lot of things that I want to do if I follow this one rule. So instead of making a to-do list for the year, I have one simple rule to follow. I will let you know by the end of the year how it worked out...

The twelve days of holidays, that is. Its over. Today was the first day of office. Grrrrr....

[source]

Okay, I admit it. I am, and have never been, a morning person but I especially hate Monday mornings (who doesn't? If you don't: I hate you too). Today was the king of Monday mornings, even though it wasn't Monday today. It was the morning after the Christmas break! Add to that one and a half hour of commute to work. Well let's just say that if you had bump into me today morning, you would have met the queen of all grumpies. Okay, may be that was a bit of exaggeration since, according to me, the real queen of all grumpies is Aunty Acid. Still, I could have been a princess or something. 

Anyway, I somehow reached the office and switched on the laptop. Had a panic attack for about 15 minutes in which I was desperately trying to remember my password. Why, oh why, do we need to change the passwords every 90 days. How many passwords can a person remember? Don't answer that. 

Once the laptop was booted, I sat blankly in front of it for another 15 minutes. I was trying to remember the purpose of my being there. Seriously, I had no recollection of any thing nor any idea what was I supposed to do next. So I started by opening the outlook hoping to waste away my morning in reading through my unread mails (evil genius plan!). Guess what, no one works during the Christmas break. There were three unread mails in my inbox. Two of them were automated mails. I took my time to read them.

I was once again staring at my screen with no idea what to do next. "Morning Tuhina". And my manager was standing behind me. Nice. Thankfully, he didn't ask me about my plans for the day. Guess he must be in the same pickle as me.

I started again. This time going through my task list and trying to figure out what I meant by those abbreviations and words that I so confidently once wrote. Basically, I was trying to relearn my job. A job I have been doing for past few years now. A job I am good at. A job that I love. And I had no clue what it is that I do, why I love it so and how the hell do I do it!

I somehow made it till lunch. After lunch, it was basically a game of watching the clock tick away the hours. Thus ended my first official day of 2013. Its official now: Break time is over.